


Wings

by HeavensArcher



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Backstory, Gen, PTSD, so this is gen but it could be shippy if you want?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-18 10:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1426048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavensArcher/pseuds/HeavensArcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Wilson wasn't sure when his life had become like this again. Fire and blood and pain and fear that pounded through your heart, blood, soul and throat until it became the rhythm you danced to, fought to until everything blurred, everything broke and you fell to the floor. He certainly had had no plans to let it in once more. I'm out, he'd said. I'm never going back.</p><p>But god had he missed it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wings

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a ridiculously good memory, these are not completely accurate movie quotes or anything but they're the best I could remember.
> 
> Warnings: Descriptions of PTSD, trauma recovery, nightmares. 
> 
> I mean no disrespect to any veterns or anyone suffering PTSD or similar conditions. This is just extrapolated from my own experiences interacting with people like my father and other soldiers he knows. Everyone suffers differently, but everyone should know they don't need to go it alone. I've done my best to mention these in a way that isn't...judging or unsympathetic or heaven forbid joking. To a lot of people, not even just soldiers, it is a real thing they struggle with their whole lives.

Sam Wilson wasn't sure when his life had become like this again. Fire and blood and pain and fear that pounded through your heart, blood, soul and throat until it became the rhythm you danced to, fought to until everything blurred, everything broke and you fell to the floor. He certainly had had no plans to let it in once more. I'm out, he'd said. I'm never going back.

But god had he missed it.

XXX

"On your left!"

Sam started, glancing to his left as a moment later, a blur sprinted past. He shook his head.

Damn sprinters. 

XXX

"My family just looks at me like I'm crazy." the man murmured, looking more into his hands than around at the group. "They...I dunno, I guess they expected it at first but...I can see it in their faces that they hadn't realised it'd take me so long to 'get over it'. They just tell me I need to leave it behind me,that I'm home now but I...I can't..." He broke off with a choking sound, rubbing his hand over his eyes. The man next to him placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, a woman taking his other hand and holding it between the two of hers. 

Sam swallowed thickly. "The thing, is as much as our families love us, and they do love us," he paused to make sure they all understood that,  "They will never understand exactly what goes on over there." He gave a weak chuckle, "That's a good thing. It's why we go over. But you know, we all know, that we're here to help each other. What they don't understand is we don't leave it behind, we take it with us. But we're soldiers. We know how to share the burden. You're never alone, brother."

The other vets nodded solemnly, making noises of agreement.

They weren't back from the war yet.

XXX

"On your left!" Sam swung his head staring incredulously at the blur that had just sprinted past. That was the same...no...no couldn't be. That's ridiculous.

XXX

"You all know that my wingman was shot out of the sky, right in front of me. I couldn't even do anything I was just...watching. Like I was staring at a movie. I still can't go in a regular civilian aircraft. All I can think is that if Riley managed to be shot down in what he was in, how the hell would any civilian craft be able to have the slightest chance? What would any civilian pilot be able to do? The fact that there's a ridiculously small chance of it happening doesn't matter. I know it's irrational but...that's the point I'm trying to make. We all come back with something - sometimes with more than one - but what matters is you can learn to live around it. You can learn to live with it and maybe, just maybe, one day we'll move past it."

XXX

"On your left!"

"You gotta be freaking kidding me. Come on, man!" Sam wasn't moving slow, how the hell was this guy lapping him like he was crawling along on the freaking pavement!? He picked up his speed, trying a bit of a sprint of his own."For god's sake," He growled, stumbling back to his constant jog. He was almost finished with the damn thing, no way was he going to be able to match that.

Last time he'd run that quickly he was dodging bullets.

XXX

"Unfortunately that's time for the day, guys. But remember, we're all just a phone call away. If you ever need me, or anyone here, we're all here to help one another. You aren't alone. No matter how you may feel. We might be away from our usual squads, but that doesn't mean you're on your own."

XXX

Oh, that's Captain America.

Suddenly, Sam doesn't feel as slow.

"You should come by the VA sometime, it'd make me look really good for the girl at the reception desk." He grinned as the other soldier chuckled.

XXX

"You thinking about getting out?" Sam asked, a gentle smile on his face.

Steve Rodgers - not Captain America - laughed lowly, "I wouldn't know what do with myself."

Sam smiled sadly at this man out of time, the boy from Brooklyn. "Whatever makes you happy, man. What makes you happy?" He asked softly.

Steve breathed deep before shrugging. "I don't know."

Sam finished picking up the last of the booklets and just looked at him. "Maybe it's time to find out."

XXX

Sam twisted in midair, the wings stretching from his back flapped hard once, twice, then folded letting him drop into a dive, before swooping out once more to catch the air and stop his descent in it's tracks. He flew up once more, grinning. But it was getting hot.

In fact it was burning.

The feathers on his wings were on fire and no matter how much he screamed no one heard him as he plummeted down down downdowndown

 

And gasped awake, shaking, crying, curling in on himself as the heat (nottherenotthere) from his wings (notrealnotreal) licked up his back.

XXX

Sam rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he left the kitchen and made his way to the front door. He had no idea exactly who it could be, considering he didn't really have many people that would just show up unexpectedly.Maybe it was a sales-

"We need a place to lie low."

"Everyone we know is trying to kill us..."

...person.

Right.

Steve and the lady were covered head to toe in soot and grime and bruises. Steve at least looked mildly apologetic, the lady had an expression Sam could only equate to a child not understanding why things weren't a certain way when it would be better if they were.

Not his typical visitors. 

He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not. The break in monotony had to be worth something right? He was only going to read today anyway.

"Uh, yea, ok."

He stepped the side, letting them slide through before scanning the area for anything that looked like a tail or survellaince. 

XXX

"You boys are being chosen for a top secret program." Their new commander stated, hands held tightly behind his back. The two soldiers stood in front of him at ease. They weren't long out of boot camp. But that was good. It meant they hadn't set into too many routines. Something like this needed a little crazy. "We're calling it Operation Falcon."He slid the two manilla folders across the desk to the recuits, who picked them up gingerly and opened it to the first photo.

"You gotta be fucking joking." Wilson breathed.

"I really don't think he is." Riley replied before breaking into a wide grin, "This is gonna be freaking awesome!" He jumped a little before remembering himself, "Uh...it's gonna be awesome...sir?"

The commander couldn't stop his mouth twitching a little."So, either of you boys ever wanted to fly?"

XXX

"What's this?" Steve asked, picking up the folder Sam threw across the table.

"Consider it my resume." Sam shrugged, trying to hide his growing anxiety.

"I heard they couldn't get fighters in there because of the RPGs." Natasha murmured, impressed. "How did you pull it off?"

Sam played a little with the edges of an even rattier folder before gently handing it across, "With these." He smiled at a little at Steve's expression. "I never said I was a pilot."

"Sam, I can't make you do this. You got out..." Steve murmured.

Sam thought about the flames of his dreams licking his back, of Riley falling as an RPG took him out over some place fighting for something he no longer understood. He thought about the man sitting in front of him that despite all he was seeing, still wanted to fight for what was right. Who was going to do something crazy whether he had a thousand people at his back or none.

"Hey, man. Captain America needs my help. I'm not going to turn him down."

XXX

Sam laughed as he flapped harder, shooting after Riley in this mind boggling game of tag.

"Ha, you're getting slow, Wilson!" His partner called. 

"You wish!" Sam responded, pulling his wings in close to drop like a stone onto Riley's back, wrapping around the man like an octopus and compromising his EXO-7s ability to fly.

"Oh, you fucker!" Riley yelled, wriggling but unable to move. Laughing, Sam jumped off at the last second, allowing Riley to catch himself before he got too close to the ground.

"I get the feeling we shouldn't be having as much fun with these as we are," Sam grinned as they turned towards the base after their 'aerial manuevers'. 

"Live a little, Wilson! We have wings on our back, bro. It would be a crime not to try and fly a little too close to the sun!" Riley grinned, clapping Sam's shoulder.

(A little part of Sam's mind couldn't help thinking that Icarus did that and burned)

XXX

Breaking into a heavily guarded compound with a heavily guarded military base was suspiciously easy for what the defences implied.

Far too easy.

Sam was beginning to get the impression he may had just gotten in a little over his head as he side-eyed Natasha and an amused Steve before strapping himself into the harness. He felt the weight settle onto his back and it felt right in ways that nothing else ever had. These wings were his, man made or not, and with the comfort of the EXO on his back once more he felt more complete than he'd had in awhile. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck, testing out the fitting, but he was fairly confident he'd remembered his personal settings to the decimal point.

"So how exactly does this thing work?" Steve wondered aloud, looking dubiously at what looked like some kind of strange backpack just sitting on Sam's back.

Sam grinned, "Do you need the details, or do you just want to see me fly?"

XXX

Being the air support to a man that liked jumping off tall things despite an inability to fly shoots your nerves to hell.

Steve was literally going to send him crazy, Sam mused as he drew his wings in and dived towards the Captain.

XXX

He couldn't even get to Riley's body. He had to leave his best mate, his brother, his partner in everything out in some desert for the animals to pick at because he was too pinned down to try and get to him. The commander watched him with sad eyes. "We'll do everything we can to bring him home, son. But for now let's get you home. You need some time."

"I'm not coming back, sir. That's it. I'm done." Sam didn't even think about it really. The words just flowed out but at the same time he didn't regret a single sound that had just been sent out to the world. 

The commander paused, something more than surprise or pity in his expression, "Look, soldier. We lose people. It hurts, but we do. But that's no reason to pack it up and throw your head into the sand. We'll need someone to teach the new recuits how to fly."

Sam shouldered his pack, heading to the door, "Tell them to avoid flying too close to the sun."

XXX

This Fury guy was looking at him like he should be taking orders. He almost wanted to ask the room if they had realised that just because he was here, didn't mean he'd actually renlisted because this mission was about as illegal as he'd ever gotten. 

"I go where he goes, just slower." Sam contained his smile as his eyes flickered over to see Steve smothering his own grin.

Fury sighed, "Looks like you're giving the orders, Captain."

Sam grinned.

XXX

"So what did they call you?" Natasha asked from the back of the car.

"Call me?" Sam asked, flicking his eyes back as she leaned inbetween him and Steve.

"You know, your call sign. Your name. You know, Captain America, Black Widow, Iron Man. What'd they call you?"

Sam winced. "Not everyone's a superhero." He murmured, trying to stall.

"Not everyone does covert missions with classified apparatus that lets them fly. No way you didn't have a nickname."

"Sam was silent a moment. "...Riley's was Redwing." He finally murmured. "Mine was Bluewing."

Natasha was disappointed, "That wasn't as interesting as I was hoping."

Steve was the one who noticed, "Those may have been your designations, but no way would a squad let you get away with using those."

Sam shot him a small smile, "Riley was Hawk. I stuck with Falcon."

"Falcon then," He could hear the smile in Natasha's voice. "Sounds good."

XXX

 _fuck_ shitshitshitshitshit _crap_ okthatwasclosewhoopsiedaisyhopenoonesgonnamissthat

Sam rolled, looped, dropped, climbed, weaved. Anything to dodge the fire currently targeting him like he was a fly and they were a swatter.

Sam didn't know how he'd let his life become like this again. Fire (explosions) and blood (ithurts) and fear (notthistimepleasenotagain) that pounded through his heart, blood and soul until every turn seemed to be following the rhythm that pounded a bloody staccato in his ears until he could barely hear the sky falling to pieces around him. He felt the heat at his back, his arms, his neck. But this time it wasn't his wings on fire, it was the world and he didn't know what was scarier. His dreams or this reality.

At least here he could focus on his purpose. Some tricky flying had him inside the Insight Helicarrier and slotting the chip in place. 

"Bravo is set." He reported, jumping once more into the open air, letting his wings catch him.

XXX

"Ever listened to the Trouble Man soundtrack? It'll teach you everything you need to know. You'll love it."

"I'll put it on the list!" Steve grinned, actually penning it into a little notebook.

XXX

"Steve!" He yelled, diving off the edge only to be flung back by the Winter Soldier ("Bucky" Steve insisted. "I know it's Bucky. I stared right at him."). He paused, letting a draft catch and bring him just out of reach before responding to the man with shots of his own. 

Not shooting to kill.

He knew that was hypocritical of himself ("He might be one of those you need to stop"), but it couldn't shoot to kill someone who his partner knew.

But then his wing was gone and he was fallingfallinghewasfalling

XXX

The first days back home, Sam lay on his bed and stared at his ceiling. He had no family to come back to, he'd joined the military to gain one and he had. Now he'd lost them again and how do you deal with that shit twice?

The only answer Sam's mind could come up with was "I'm not sure you can."

Then he walked into Veteran Affairs.

XXX

Sam all but jumped out of the helicopter while it was still in the air when he saw that flash of red, white and blue - wings or no wings. He sprinted across and pressed a trembing hand to Steve's neck. 

 

There. 

A pulse. Flicking. But there.

Sam couldn't hold back his relieved smile even as he catalogued Steve's other injuries, beginning some first aid. The ambulance was on its way. He was going to be fine.

XXX

"Hey, man. You ever heard this soundtrack?" Riley's words greeted Sam to their bunk as the song he had cranked up flowed into his ears.Sam paused to listen as he stripped out of the heavy camo jacket and shucked his combat boots. He nodded his head along to the beat as he sat down on one of the spare chairs.

"Sounds good." He agreed, trying to crane his neck to see the name.

"The Trouble Man, bro. Mister T at his finest! " Riley enthused brightly. "I love that movie era, you really can't beat it," he nodded solemnly along with his own words, turning onto his back to stare at the bland ceiling.

"It certainly says something." Sam smiled at his friend's enthusiasm. 

"I'm just saying that you can listen to the last thirty years in this one album. That, my friend, is a gift."

XXX

"I'm not letting you go alone." Sam murmured, clapping a hand to the other man's shoulder.

Steve gave a happy, relieved smile. "Thanks."

XXX

"Listen, man, sprained ankle or not I'm not letting you go alone! We fly for god's sake, my feet aren't going to be on the freaking ground!" Riley shouted at his wingman as Sam tried to convince him that he need to rest.

Sam sighed, experated but at the same time beyond relieved.

"Thanks."


End file.
